Gaslight

Epic gaslighting move:

The gaslighter tells the gaslightee that they are the actual gaslighter.

It’s like the movie Inception but without the special effects or entertainment. The confusion and wondering how it ends is on par, though.

Learning About Love

I think I understood love today

in the shape of tiny feet

tucked under a tiny body

a giggle 

a splash

of water at the kitchen sink

sheer elation in seeing

her walk, something

shared by homo sapiens

yet rendered me speechless.

It’s the sound of

Baaaa baaaa or moooo moooo

no logic

no rhyme

it’s wiping food off 

eager hands

perfectly full cheeks

and sometimes,

no often times,

from a heap of

curls.

It’s the moment

not the worry

not the plan

but just now

a tiny raise of an eyebrow

another giggle loose

a desire to explore

the contents of every drawer

she need not do

a thing.  No money is involved.

no talent required.

no idea passed on.

she simply exists

and I love her completely

for nothing other

then this. 

IRL

“I’m going to the bakery. Would you like anything?” I asked.

“You’re going out like that? You look homeless,” he said.

No, I thought.

It’s nearly 11:00 am.

I look like a woman who has changed a diaper, had a coffee, tended to emails.

I look like a woman with a Ph.D.

I look like a woman who preps her university lectures and graded a few assignments all before noon.

I look like a woman who produces a podcast, just having scheduled a guest, and researched more material.

And those spots of food on my sweatshirt? Those are badges of honor.

They are the signature of precious tiny hands reaching for me after having been nourished. They are evidence of my response to an embrace from a beautiful little blessing. I go by the name “mama.”

I look like a woman who didn’t prioritize fashion on a Tuesday morning because more important tasks await.

I look like a woman who provides, nurtures, and works.

I look like a woman comfortable in her own skin.

I look like a woman who invests her energy in ideas and creative endeavors.

I don’t look Instagram ready.

I look like a woman with ambition.

“So, did you want the usual from the baker or…”

To My Younger Self

To my younger self,

Your body is nothing of which to find shame

It’ll nudge you when something isn’t right

A twinge in your soft belly

It’ll lift heavy things and you’ll smile in amazement

It’ll bend and stretch and take you through 

Foreign lands

France

Spain

Egypt

Palestine

It’ll let you know if it’s too hot

Or too cold

It’ll create space for new life

It’ll allow you to experience pleasure written of by the poets

Your body will care for you on your life journey

It’ll rest and restore when needed

It’ll embrace friends and share the comfort

Of a well needed hug

It’ll hold hands with lovers and 

send a glorious shiver throughout

It’ll be guided by music and sway at celebrations

weddings

parties

It’ll release emotions with tears to alleviate 

the weight in your heart when broken.

Your face will be gently held by your grandmother 

when she is well and when she is dying. You’ll cherish both.

and when you glance in the mirror she’ll be there too.  

your eyes, your nose, your cheekbones

her history embedded in your reflection.

Some people will comment on your shape

Negative

And positive

But neither ends of the pendulum are of concern

Because It is not theirs

It is yours

Do not find shame, dear younger self.

Challenge Accepted

In my Instagram DM I received an invitation to post a Black and White photo with the caption “Challenge Accepted.”  The point of the invitation was for women to reach out to other women as a way of saying “I respect you.  I see you.”  In addition to posting the photo one is then to pass this on to other women.

So, yes, I was delighted and flattered to have received the message.  And then I read a NY Times article that rained on my delighted parade by calling the challenge vague and not really with purpose.  It was a mindless means for women to post their most flattering selfie, the article claimed.  Hmmm….

I think that’s a rush to judgement.  We are often so busy and in the throes of our life that to take a moment to acknowledge someone else, their work, positive impact on community, their presence, or valuable friendship seems like something worth pausing for and passing on.  I was genuinely happy to extend the invitation I had received to other women I know, some of whom I have admired but haven’t necessarily said as much during conversation.

Is it really so vague to DM a person and let them know you appreciate them?  Is it wrong to respond by posting a photo?  Are we so tied to sexist ideas about women that it’s automatically met with suspicion for them to highlight a nice photo of themselves?  Or, that to say it’s about women supporting women is somehow unclear?  Support comes in many forms.  It can be a hug, financial, a referral, a podcast review (wink wink nudge)…

or a message to participate in “Challenge Accepted.”

On Being Explicit

Can a discussion about biological functions be deemed explicit? If I were to explain the workings of your lungs, for instance, would I need to be on guard and warn you that this  may not be appropriate?  How about circulation?  How about telling you the intricacies of an eardrum?

For the past two years I’ve been teaching a course called Philosophy of Sex and Love (you can click on my course readings tab for more information).  In researching for the class and preparing sub-topics one area has stood out to me as being a central issue worth pursuing underscoring assumptions: sex education.

Unlike the aforementioned functions of the body, the reproductive system is either not discussed or partially mentioned or fraught with misinformation.  It is tied to moral presuppositions and caution laced with notions of shame.  Proper names like vagina, vulva, and clitoris (gasp!) are treated like Lord Voldemort.

Silence around these terms are rooted in a failure to see the woman’s body (or people with vaginas) as important.  She is demoted due to her biological reality (thought to be merely a vessel) and that demotion is apparent when a deficit of basic language exists in education.  A lack of knowledge here has concrete consequences for both boys and girls.  It hinders honest conversations about intimacy, health, and most significantly, exposes one to harm if one cannot even understand this part of the body.

This weighed on me as I uploaded my latest podcast episode dedicated to a discussion about reproductive health, and because we use terms like “vagina” I found myself marking the episode “Explicit.”  That in and of itself is problematic.  There is nothing derogatory or pornographic in the conversation.  Yet, providing a platform to learn about how the reproductive system functions needed to be presented with a warning.

The vagina, vulva, and clitoris should not be a mystery.  Employing proper education reduces abuse, unsatisfying or painful sexual experience, and a tool for recognizing if a health problem exists.  This is not an immoral dialogue and I am pained to treat it as such by adding “E” next to the conversation.

Historically the woman’s body is simply meant for carrying a child.  Indeed that essentially described her worth.  How this functions or how her body responds to sex and pleasure (or desires for pleasure) is not part of the conversation.  By not considering this she becomes object.

I know what you’re thinking…you want to hear the episode, right?  I won’t keep you in suspense. Click below for the show on iTunes.

Good Is In The Details episode 35: “Naming Parts, Reproductive Health, and Sex Positive”

 

Private Conversations on Race

In the late 90s I had the opportunity to attend a lecture given by Maya Angelou.  I remember the packed room and the hush befalling the audience the moment she stepped to the microphone.  No one dared utter a sound or disturb the experience.  Her brilliance filled the very air we breathed.  It was undeniable.  We were in the presence of history.

“I will not stay in a room where there is a racist joke or word,” she said at one point.  That stuck with me.  Silence is agreement.  Silence is participation.  She closed her lecture with reciting Phenomenal Woman and I felt complete.

In the last few days I’ve had conversations with two of my friends (all of us are white) about painful confrontations with someone close to us regarding racism.  We shared nearly identical stories with the following theme: explaining to the person close to us that they held a racist position/opinion only to be met with denial, anger, defensiveness, and a terrible misunderstanding of the essence of racism.

All of us were emotionally drained and wished desperately that the outcome had been different.

No minds were changed.  No one will know of the exchanges.  Was it important?

I think the answer is yes.  At the heart of the misunderstanding was the assumption that racism consisted only of outward violence or use of derogatory language.  But that is far too narrow a definition.  Racism can be embedded far deeper.

I heard a clip from Tucker Carlson’s show where he described Black Lives Matter in the following terms: mob, riots, thugs, looters.  He then claimed that saying “all lives matter” is Christian and can even be found in the Constitution (“All men are created equal”).  It was an outrageous misreading of what “all men” meant when the document was written.   A simple glance and knowledge of history can illuminate that the “white” is presupposed here, and that women were not included and a slave was 3/5 a person.  Carlson’s attempt to justify his resistance to Black Lives Matter actually pointed us to the reason the movement exists, namely, because not all lives have mattered.

But back to my thoughts that the private conversations are worth the painful confrontation…

Yes.  It is important to interrupt racism wherever we find it, even when it is close. It clarifies one’s mind and there is always the hope that the words will sink in once the defensive attitude has time to dissipate from the interlocutor.  It is important, as Maya Angelou noted, to let others see you will not be present for racism.

It is also an act of love.  Holding a belief that all people are the same, and in a negative sense in particular, disempowers one’s ability to flourish in an authentic way as though the color of their skin were a virtue and the color of others is a vice.

Private conversations are another way to be an ally even if the end result doesn’t yield what you’d hoped.  It doesn’t come with a hashtag or a sign but it is valuable.

 

 

Podcast in the time of Coronavirus

I’m of two minds with respect to the social distancing:

1. It’s a joy to see the budding creativity in times of boredom.
2. A sense of anger over the delayed and general mismanaged response to the pandemic.  Perhaps the most upsetting for me is learning that because of the contagiousness of the virus people admitted to hospital with it cannot have visitors. Ultimately people are dying alone.

How is it possible to hold both 1 & 2 in my mind and heart?  Maybe it’s the unfolding of tragedy and comedy?  We are all feeling terribly human at the moment, aren’t we? Stay safe, wash your hands, and check in on your friends and family.

Suggestions for your Quarantine

Introverts are pros at the quarantine and social distancing.  It’s our thing.  Here’s a bit of advice to help you through:

1. The “Do not panic” approach seems rather unhelpful.  Instead, try taking stock of what you can control and work from there.  Make a list.  For instance, you can control how much media you are consuming.
2. That junk drawer (or closet) you’ve half-heartedly been meaning to clear out can finally get a nice dose of attention.
3. Call your friends and family.
4. Social Distancing doesn’t necessarily mean being cooped up inside.  Go for a walk or try a new area to explore on foot.
5. Delve into that one book you’ve been meaning to read.   
6. Try out a new recipe.
7. Journal.
8. Netflix binge guilt free.
9. Remember that economic downturns do eventually slow down and reverse.
10. Enjoy a podcast.

Love on the Mind

Welcome to 2020!  How are you beginning the New Year?

Currently reading…

 

Latest podcasting…Episode “This is your Brain on Love,” an interview with neuropsychologist Dr. Jena Margalit Kravitz.

 

Getting ready to welcome a baby girl 🙂